<<My life's Monologue>>

26.4.10

My last post made me sound like a selfish bitch.
Sorry.
I was just so frustrated.
Yes Atika, you're right, life is always full of shits.
And they will never go away, even after you solve one prob.

Update on so far what I have been doing over the weekend:
Went to work on Sat, stayed in the centre,
ALONE, until about 11 am.
Thankfully Annabel came.
If not I think I will just give up and scream my hearts out all the way to the entrance.
Its so eerie sitting there alone.
tsk, and I fell asleep.
Hopefully, boss doesn't see.

Then Kakak and Abang came down, went with Mother to Orchard to recce.
We will be bringing the kids for outing at Orchard.
Funny right?
Mother just had to spoil my day by passing the Non-halal food remarks again.
Thanks eh.
Kakak and her bf drove me all the way home.
Kakak and Abang make fun of Mother on the drive back.
My stomach still hurts from all that laughing.

All that niceness is just a mask,
Time will make it wear out and out comes the truth behind it.
Hope you're happy with yourself, cause you asked for it.

ClazZiQuai CT, 12:34:00 AM | link | (0) words unspoken

23.4.10

Critical Condition

Blow after blow I had to endure.
It feels like I am the only one suffering.
Seriously, everyone seem contented with their lives.
But I have problems to deal with.
Working hard trying to stabilise myself.
What with the immense stress at work,
pressure from their parents and expectations of bosses.
I had never seen myself as religious and pious person before.
I have trouble keeping up with my decreasing understanding of faith.
I am so naive, aren't I?
I am thinking too worldly, until the fact that I have a higher power to turn to,
I forget and neglect.
And so vice versa shall He do.
I have no one to blame but myself.
I have instances where I tried to step on this straight path,
but Every, Single, Time,
I sway, topple and then fall,
even deeper than before.
I am not strong now, and I know I never will be.
I tried so hard, but I will not give up.
I need more time than others do.
Oh Allah, please don't give up on me.

ClazZiQuai CT, 9:05:00 PM | link | (0) words unspoken

21.4.10

Tired.
Need to drag myself to work.
Having sore throat form shouting so much.
Have a lot of undone work to mark.
Spine is painful.
Head crammed.
Everyday.

ClazZiQuai CT, 9:17:00 AM | link | (0) words unspoken

19.4.10

I can't help but feel like punching someone in the face right now.
It makes me mad, how someone can be so good to you one day and then just
totally change, treat you with not a single drop of gratefulness.
Starting criticizing you and agreeing with the others even though you know that is not the actual case.
Hypocrites.
I've enough in my family to even spot them with just a few sentences coming out from their mouths.
You just love to see my family quarrel over stupid small things.
You breathe in the hatred filling the air when they tell you how they feel right?
What kind of utter satisfaction.

Miserable as I am, I stay away from feeding on other people's displeasure,
trying to make it bigger, or blown up to gargantuan proportions.
You don't deserve the help my mother gives you, neither the pity I have for you.

ClazZiQuai CT, 9:17:00 PM | link | (0) words unspoken

Two faced.

I feel so breathless right now, like something is cutting off my air supply.
I am stuffed up to the brim with problems here and there.
Maybe my life is meant to be filled all this non-stop problem.
I've tried so hard to avoid all sorts of things but mayhem just seems to know
where I'll be.

They are sprouting like mushrooms after the rain.
pop.pop.pop.
I'm feeling kinda dreamy when everything comes to a halt and you find a little speck of free mind.
Then the same horrible cycle starts again.
I know I should be immune to it already,
somehow heart set in stone,
of course I perceived it wrongly.
I am always too optimistic about the outcome and
it loves to go the other way round.

Nothing has felt worst than getting to know from someone else that you find me a bane.
Then when I greet you, its like that hatred for my family does not even exist.
Plaster on that fake smile and ingenuity more often.
Your acting skills are way on par with those professionals.
Ironic isn't it?
Respect is what you earn not ask for.
But maybe some can actually BUY it with status and wealth.
After all, both co-exist most of the time.
Just like you and your hypocritical facade.
All this thinking of Maybes of you is making me nauseous even more.
Hope that whatever you wished for my family,
has the same effect on yours.
Save all the gossips for the drama you put so flawlessly.
I'll give you a standing ovation, maybe ask for an encore.

ClazZiQuai CT, 12:36:00 AM | link | (0) words unspoken

17.4.10

I should know better than to be someone I can't.
I should know better to nurse my constant aching heart than keep thinking about
what I do so I don't hurt you.
I lost my sense of direction but funnily never regretted once.

Though now, I strive to make you see,
how important you are to me.
But I guess you are too consumed by your sense of jealousy and ego.
When I am with you, I am always happy but have that constant feel to just try and shut off the world forever
and never let you go.
I am a topsy turvy of mixed feelings and maybe just being mediocre just doesn't
cut it anymore.
Till my last breath, I wish I did so much more.

ClazZiQuai CT, 12:26:00 AM | link | (0) words unspoken

16.4.10

Scatterbrain

Before I blog further,
HAPPY B'DAE ATIKA!!!!!!!!!!
Ni lah wish dari nenek 24 jam pelupa.
Wish you all good things.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wished for a lot of things in the world.
But most of my wishes ain't coming true.
Maybe not now, maybe never.
I feel like I am wallowing in self -pity.
Maybe I have never felt true happiness before.
Maybe never.
There is a lot of maybes in my head, all stuck in my numbing skull.
Its crammed up there, begging for release.
Only thing is that when I open my mouth,
it gets messy.

Workplace has not been a cheerful place.
I dun seem to fit in anywhere and with anyone.
It just seems that my closest colleague is just happy when my supervisor/ and the bosses always turns to
her for opinions and ask for her advice.
I feel so inadequate.
And I am handicapped, languagely.
(Its not even a word I know, I told you already.)
They speak a lot of Mandarin.

I have so many nagging feelings today.
Its just so overwhelming.

ClazZiQuai CT, 11:08:00 PM | link | (0) words unspoken

11.4.10

So today I wished I was a Vampire.
Having all those powers and abilities.
Having that mysterious vibe about me.

And on the other side of my head,
I wished I was a human who was unreadable by a Vampire.
Someone who fascinates their kind and can be so mysterious.

Well basically everything is about being mysterious.
But I really find the character interesting.
How her mind works, is just so enthralling, mesmerizing.
Thoughts that's different from a normal being.
My head is a scatterbrain of words now.
I am just so into the thinking that I am not able to string proper sentences with
the proper grammar and punctuation.

I cannot imagine that it was fiction.
I just have a wild imagination right now.
Its like free and fast, running through the woods in Forks.
It will be oh-so-breathtaking.
All the sights and sounds intensified and knowing that you have forever to soak it up.
A love story like that can only be so real in books.
It will be impractical here in the real world.
Sigh.

ClazZiQuai CT, 9:45:00 PM | link | (0) words unspoken

5.4.10

Tired as I am right now, I stubbornly wanna post something.
Just got off the phone with Oppa.
For the sake of checking something on the internet.
Tired.Sleepy. Having really bad migrane.
I used not to have migranes at all.

Anyway, tomorrow need to go work.
Luckily I have to clock in at 10.
The thing is I don't know whether I should go late or earlier.
I know, stupid question.
Go later better right?
My father wants to do military house training;
wake the girls, esp ME, at 5.30 in the morning.
WHAT FOR?
Do housework of course. Clean up the mess that the family makes after they go off for their respective sch/work.
Does it makes any sense to you?
erm...NO!
The idea sounds totally preposterous.
AND it's totally barbaric.

Seriously, my head is so not helping now.
I need to go, sleep.
I need sleep.

ClazZiQuai CT, 12:58:00 AM | link | (0) words unspoken

2.4.10

Treasure Bus

Taking a ride on the bus gives me a sense of peace somehow.
I really treasure my bus rides to yishun.
Especially in the mid afternoons.
I just realised everytime I pass by the Mandai area, it hits me that my grandma is no longer with me.
Everytime I pass by the Mandai area, all the memories I had with her floods right back.
Everytime I pass by the Mandai area, I think of her and the time I bathed her before she was clothe in the white shroud,
all sweet smelling and made up to meet Him.
Everytime I pass by the Area, my eyes just get so teary.
Her passing was just so surreal.
No complications, no dramatic events, nothing.
Only that she was lying bedridden, and passed on ever so calmly.
And to face the fact that she's gone.
I just feel... I don't know.

I really don't know how I feel.
I don't know if I am not accepting fate.
Having difficulty accepting it,
Or is it just I am unable to let go of the memories?
And I know maybe I am just too emotional about it.
Life has to go on.
And now I need my treasure bus.

ClazZiQuai CT, 7:09:00 PM | link | (0) words unspoken