31.12.09
Paper bag over My head
I think I am suffering from inferiority complex.
Seriously, I do not feel up to par when I am at work.
Nor even think that I can communicate well and socialize well.
I have this thing in my head bugging me and saying that people keep saying bad things bout me,
though I noe they are not.
Aku dah terjangkit ke?
Mampos lah.
But sometimes it irritates me when I have that kind of feeling.
I just seem to exhaust myself into thinking to much about what others think of me
and not about What i think is best from my perspective.
When will it all go away?
And having a late salary is not making me feel any better.
It makes me think I am invisible.
Wadahell.
Its difficult to be good and easy to be bad.
And I am trying my very hard to be a good role model.
Stress levels are getting on the high.
ClazZiQuai CT, 10:38:00 PM
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30.12.09
I will be screaming YAHOOOOO!
hahah. tml last day of the Dec prog.
SOOOOO HAPPIIIIEEE!!!
omg. yesterday was like so tiring.
went to the JBP for Hollywood Dinos.
BORING.
but it was kinda interesting at times.
Then we went to Chinese Garden.
Jalan sampai sesat.
Tsk.
Gotta hand it to Fatin, she has a very good sense of planning.
Have to learn sometime.
I feel so inadequate sometimes when I work there.
I dun like scolding the children but its a must.
I mean they don't seem to respect the teachers sometimes.
And taking care of them is like very tiring sometimes.
But they can be endearing at times too...
Okay till then.
I wanna go makan.
My fren for the month is still not here.
where are you?
ClazZiQuai CT, 9:07:00 PM
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25.12.09
Flashbacks
Its been long enough not updating.
I miss blogging.
well, apart from the hectic work schedule,
and other things.
I guess its too early to be making any new year resolutions.
but heck.
Let's start with what I did this past year.
hmm.
okay.
I completed my Diploma in Mass Communications.
So, academically I'm there.Somehow.
hehehe.
Then there was the quarrels, cracks in my r/s.
Still under construction with scotchtape, masking tape, plaster of paris and yada2.
Then, slowly, I found work after so long.
Adelfibel.hehe. I'm still unable to pronounce it properly.
But it gave me so much joy to work with the kids.
Then came the passing of my grandma.
This was the most saddest moment of my life.
I will never forget how hard I cried at her funeral.
Till now, its still a little hard to grasp the fact that she's gone.
There was never a single moment that I forgotten her.
Though I did regret not visiting her more often.
But I am happy enough that she does not have to suffer anymore pain
coz right now the world has seen and felt too much pain.
So that's it now.
I am just praying that evrything goes well and pick up soon..
Till then..
Toodles.
ClazZiQuai CT, 9:10:00 PM
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16.12.09
Tribute to My One and only Love.
She was suffering long enough and it's time she went.
I regret not seeing her last Saturday,
I was too busy handling world matters.
She on the other hand was on the delicate balance.
I promised myself to visit her today, Tuesday.
But that will now never happen will it?
She's gone,left me, her family and those who love her so deeply.
She's now being questioned.
I am sure Muslims will understand the sentence above.
She went away looking as if she was asleep.
Never calling out to anyone. She faced it all alone.
Only before she went, my aunt and the maid managed to hole her hand and ask for forgiveness.
I was hoping I could do that when she went,
but it was not meant to be.
I miss her so badly.
Even when she did not recognise anyone, she will still talk and laugh at my jokes.
I miss her scent.
I miss the loud noises she makes when all of us tries to sleep.
I miss her face with that toothless smile.
I miss tube-feeding her milk for her.
I miss everything.
Semoga Nenek yang tersayang, Zainab Binte Hamid,
dapat pergi dengan aman.
Semoga rohmu dicucuri rahmat, doa-doa anak-anakmu dan cucu-cucumu,
akan menemani nenek dan menerangkan lagi pusara abadi nenek sekarang.
Amin.
Selamat Tinggal nenek.
Sayang dan rindu Cyty pada nenek takkan pernah pudar.
ClazZiQuai CT, 8:54:00 AM
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13.12.09
I can feel that its nearing an end.
I have no idea when, I have no idea how.
That feeling of breathlessness and uneasiness hits me over and over again.
I am not wanting to let go but at the same time,
something is telling me to.
I am drained physically and mentally.
I am fighting with every last ounce of energy I can.
Crying does not seem like an option now.
COZ seriously, it shows that I am weak.
It shows I am vulnerable.
And I haven't cried for such a long time.
So these tears that I have held back,
are 5 months worth's.
Almost at my wits end, I am praying that I don't blow over.
On the other hand maybe,
its not worth praying for anymore.
My head's pounding hard.
I feel nauseous.
all because of a status that was not updated for such a long time.
Truly sorry I am.
ClazZiQuai CT, 10:07:00 PM
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Confetties of Life.
I guess you will never know what will happen in the future.
okay wat am I saying??
like DUH.
Wat I meant was,well, you can plan and plan and plan till you crack your brains,
but in the end, there are bound to be hurdles here and there.
That may cost u either your effort and change courses,
or just push through and make it to the finish line.
Kal commented on my FB post.
and on my status.
after all, I am always getting picked on.
True to his nature, I was being shot at.
The words were as hurtful as they were degrading.
But yet I kept my cool.
I am not bragging about me being able to keep cool,
nor am I touching upon seeking sympathy from my readers here.
I am just telling, I need a place to pour out my heart to.
Forget about it.
I don't feel like carrying on talking about this.
Let's go on to something more lighter and cheerful shall we?
Work.
So-so.
I guess its been fun, stressful and convenient.
The kids are great, rowdy, playful, and sweet at times.
Still working on how to manage a classroom and keep the noise level down.
They can be a little over the top at times.
But hey, they are Kids.
Hopefully, the 3 months pass through without many glitches.
Praying as hard as I can.
I have to admit, office politics are everywhere.
But I think, as long as you don't get too deep in something,
its best.
cheerios to a somber today.
ClazZiQuai CT, 6:24:00 PM
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8.12.09
second post for the day.
Actually I have no idea on what to write.
only that today, work was a per usual, tiring.
I still have alot of assessment books to clear.
I am still wondering on what to put on the Pri 2's notice board.
Its just straining.
And one of teacher wants to quit.
Well, if she/he does then its down to like 4 teachers taking care of like 6 levels.
I have to learn juggling all the admin work and students academic work.
HELP!
struggling I am.
anyway, they are searching for a teacher.
I am not sure whether its part time or full time.
And yes, one of the qualities they look out for is your passion to take care of kids and learn asap.
really, if u think its easy, you are soooooo wrong.
ClazZiQuai CT, 9:41:00 PM
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either a Sweet Dream or Beautiful Nightmare.
I guess everyone's been busy.
me too.
Until I have no time to update this blog of mine.
sayang my blog.
hahah.
Anyway, work has been okay.
Work without stress is not work right?
I've met parents from different walks of life and children of different characters.
Esp this one hyperactive boy, Ryan Ong.
How cute he is, how naughty he is.
He's just so adorable you should noe.
But yeah, he's like a road runner.
running here and there non-stop.
And the centre has like so many stairs,
so its not conducive for students like him.
His mum wanted to transfer him to another centre that has a more level ground,
but he told his mum that he likes the centre so much.
HAHAHAHAHAHAH..
There are ups and downs in life right now.
I am happy and bersyukur enough that I have work to look forward to everyday.
But I am trying my utmost best to push myself and improve myself everyday.
Pray for me.
*crossing fingers and grins*
Bout Kal, I make it a point to meet him after work if he sms-es me.
hmm.
I am happy that at least we're working our way up somewhere and he's constantly asking me to upgrade myself.
There are constant quarrels at times,
but its bearable.
But at times, its just hurtful, the things he says.
I dunno whether he really means it or its...
nvm.
I shall not dwell much on it.
I have to learn not to think and ponder on one thing too much.
Got to go siap.
ClazZiQuai CT, 7:43:00 AM
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