<<My life's Monologue>>

29.10.09

Aloof.

I guess when u're alone and have nth to do,
your mind tends to menerawang to other places and
think of all the what if's and has been's.
The thought process of mine often takes place as
I only occupy myself with housework and other than that,
I have nth else to do except to plan out
a very specific and detailed draft of my life.
Yes, a draft.
I would not call it a path because there are certain things in life that are not yet determined.

Anyway, my draft has been incomplete and its still hanging there quietly
in the back of my head.
I am just wishing someone will give me a headstart.
I am trying to be this independent bitch who can stand up on her own two feet.
You can roughly get my point.
Hopefully after the seminar this Sat,
I will be able to gather all the confidence and trudge into the job market.
I am just unsure of what I will do.
I am so scared that I will piss in my pants.
haha. okay exaggerating.

I guess I will continue in my thought process,
so till then.

ClazZiQuai CT, 1:14:00 PM | link | (0) words unspoken

28.10.09

I am using the desktop,
the laptop's keyboard is spoilt.
well not the whole thing,
some of the letters cannot be used.
And I am pissed with whoever spoilt it.
Like hello, I will be facing the music,
by my uncle,
not U, you moronic being.

Anyway, I have been whiling away, trying to
write a pathetic resume.
Yes its pathetic.
Y?
Coz there is nth to write,
NADA experience.
Printer's being a bad kid,
having ink but documents are unprintable.
I guess I have to go to my aunt's hse.
AND I really need help with my resume.
I dun want it to be impressive coz hey,
I have no working experience.
only as a Tutor.
so a nice and sufficient one will do.
so many versions on the net.
I am just getting uber confused.

Syuhaidah's having her A maths O's paper today.
somehow I know she can make it.
no worries.
=D

Back to my slumbering, unwonderful life.
Its becoming a monotonous rhythm I have to content with.
Hopefully its just a short while.
I need a effing job.
ANYONE WANTS TO GO TO THE SEMINAR WITH ME..?????????!!
REGISTER @ fb @ MENDAKI SENSE.

ClazZiQuai CT, 10:55:00 AM | link | (0) words unspoken

19.10.09

AISHAH!!!
Happie bdae!! heheh...
Pray for you a speedy recovery, and yes all the best
for your upcoming new life and the bright future.
I may have known you for only a few months.
But I look up to you coz somehow you remind me of someone I once knew.
AND SISTERHOOD $1 MISSES YOU LOADS!
YOU STILL OWE ME HUGS!!
lol.

love you much Babe!

ClazZiQuai CT, 11:07:00 PM | link | (0) words unspoken

18.10.09

I think the most audible sound U would hear in my room now is the
sound of my sister farting.
She's asleep mind you.
ROFL.

Anyway, just some updates.
a) My mum's aunt passed away on Friday @ abt 10pm.
Deepest condolences and sedekahkan Al-Fatihah.
b) I feel more unrestricted.
c) Kal's acting weird.
d) I cannot put a finger on what Kal is up to.
e) Kal is really acting out-of-the-ordinary.

Labels: Dizzy and In extreme Pain.

ClazZiQuai CT, 1:06:00 AM | link | (0) words unspoken

16.10.09

Fear Uncovered

Its unusually foggy and cold somehow.
I feel like I'm @ Genting.
Haha.

I've to admit, its been a long time since I prayed.
Dosa Bnyk.
I need to fight off the laziness.
And I need to discipline myself.
Eversince I finished school, I just slack.
I wanna start somewhere to improve on my life and such,
but the thing is, I don't know where.

The more I try, the more I get frustrated and stop trying.
I don't want to be this Girl where,
my life is just hanging.
I realised that when I did not pray or I don't hold on to my religion,
I am swayed, life just gets so
unmeaningful and you have bends here and there.
You get easily disturbed.
Is there somthing wrong with me?
Why am I like this, Why did I turn out to be this person?
I cannot complain, to no one.

I've alot of fears.
One of which I am having now is Fear of working.
I don't know how I got it,
but it seems that I just have this thought of how things are going to not turn out well.
I am just so fearful of what type of working adult I am going to be.
I have nvr done any office work.
accounting, paperwork.
all those office stuff.
and even so, these pple prefer to offer foreigners jobs.
no offence.

I have a Diploma in Mass Communications from MDIS.
Right now,
Diploma is already considered a norm, when O level certs were once.
Degree is considered ''Diploma''
and when you have Masters,
Its like you're a step above.

But having impressing credentials are also not a guarantee of
a successful future.
This is what I have a fear of.
So now you see.
So is having a Diploma enough?

ClazZiQuai CT, 7:56:00 AM | link | (0) words unspoken

13.10.09

I 've wished upon a star,
I've prayed like no one's business.
But somehow my life just seem to spiral downwards.
Or maybe I am just paranoid and care to much about other pple's feelings.
Somehow, I can't help that nature of mine.
Its just un-helpable.
I wonder how others can like tell a person off or say smt and not feel anything nor
think much about it??
I am not able to do that.
its like I'll feel guilty.
I think I cannot be boss.
hurhur.

I have self esteem issues and its going from bad to worse.
Whenever I meet someone,
I have this automatic thought going thru my brain,
asking whether, I made a fool out of myself,
Whether I did okay?
I mean like it just pops into my head.

Evrything's so different now,
I think I cannot keep up with it.
My cousins who were once single are now getting married, having their own families.
I dun have anyone to relate to and I do have cousins around in their teens but sometimes,
haiz~
Pple around me have the ability to mingle freely,
but I always get stumped when it gets to socialising.
I'm even scared bout what I am going to be doing in the future.
Kal has plans to become smthing in the near future.
I still have nth in mind.
Sometimes I find Kal's dreams too big but,
it seems that he is determined.
I've been seeing the rise in numbers of pple getting married here and there.
And I get scared.
I keep thinking random thoughts.
I's just having a full blast of mixed emotions now.
I just keep thinking why??
What's happening to my life??
where has all my dreams gone to??
What is gonna happen to me??
Its making me tear.
Tear s are falling down my face like a waterfall,
and I am getting so scared.

I so feel like I am turning mad,
with all those thots stuck in my head.
I have been going down a path that I cannot handle.
I feel like I am going to hyperventilate.
I am so nervous that my throat is closing up.
and I typing so fast thaat my handds arrrrree trembling.

ClazZiQuai CT, 12:20:00 AM | link | (0) words unspoken

8.10.09

A lil bit of this and a Lil bit of that.

I am so the excited nak mampos for Sat.
three things happening serentak.
muahahahahha...

Anywho, I still dunno wat to wear.
Anyone got skirt anot??
really arh must wear white on top and dark coloured below??
Kene seh I wear...
KENE KETAWA ADALAH!!
na matilah.
hantam sajalah.

Again I have a lot of thots going thru my mind.
senang kata, mcm2.
From proper planning for my next step in life,
to the small little details of evryday things.
Ibu is so excited.. that she bought a new Jubah just for the occasion.
She was like its a surprise.
hahah... Ibu2.
Dat's her if she is in a good mood.

Gotta scoot.
tuition l8er.

ClazZiQuai CT, 5:25:00 PM | link | (0) words unspoken

5.10.09

I pray.

I pray that I will be able to find balance in life soon.
I pray that I will nvr stop nor forget nor be lazy to pray.
I pray that I will be a better person.
I pray for ultimate happiness in life and hereafter.
I pray for my family and friends.
I pray that I will be given the chance to taste the goodness of life.
I pray that I will find my path towards happiness and joy soon enuff.
I pray that evrything will be alright in the end.
I pray that I will be more religion wise.
I pray that hopefully, Kal will eventually be the One and Kal will open up his mind.

Fate has a lot in store for us,
its only a matter whether we,
as humans, can accept it and get on with life.
Easier said than done,
but we have to learn.
I guess God is fair enuff to those who has been seeking him,
either while being troubled or while basking in joy.
Pple like me still have a lot more work to do.
I must admit I am still grateful to Him,
for giving me such wonderful frens, caring family
and a great but challanging BF to understand.
@ times, Kal just needs someone to sentak him.
I still need beef up on understanding of my religion.
I am ashamed of myself for being only a Muslim on the I/C.

ClazZiQuai CT, 11:58:00 PM | link | (0) words unspoken

Bau minyak atar menusuk hidungku.
Kepala aku berpusing seketika.

okay cyty, watever.

I was thinking about a lot of things but,
when I want to type it all out,
it just like disappeared from my mind.
I hate mind blocks.
currently, I am thinking of what I wanna wear for my Grad Ceremony.
Thot of a Kimono top and office pants.
smt like that lah.
but they want a shirt blouse.
boleh ke aku pakai white Kimono top??
well they said formal mah...
bedal je lah.
I'll source for inspirations.

that aside,
I feel so guilty for scolding Kal like shit on the phone the other day.
but at the same time, I dun feel how I feel
evrytime we have misunderstandings.
Like u noe, simpan dalam.
To think back, I feel he deserved the vulgarities.
I am not the kind of person to hurl vulgarities at someone,
neither when casually nor when angry.
but U noe, who can withstand the pain again and again when someone calls u this
and that, evrytime we quarrel?
But now I feel like I make Kal feel as if he's really...
nvm.

on a lighter note, my bro is calling me.
he downstairs, asking me to throw his lighter down.
mintak kene yakdish btol tau budak ni.
malam2 buta.
I noe evrything has to go on secretly,
my parents still treat us as if we're kids.

ClazZiQuai CT, 12:18:00 AM | link | (0) words unspoken

4.10.09

hmm.. just woke up.
my head is throbbing. and I still have tuition l8er.
in yishun summore.
goodness.
I feel like fainting.
just very dizzy.

anyways...
had a great time yesterday @ kak shina's hse.
saw most of relatives.
jumpe ngan anak2 cik azman yang dah lmer tak jumpe.
hhaha... 4 bujang dua dara.
ahaha.. nak tak??

took a lot of pics here and there.
all with abng iwan.
kak fiqa takde.
coz abng iwan din bring her.
i got to meet kak mel's newborn son, Thaqif.
cute giler nak mampos.

After that, brought cik azman and fam to my hse.
then to Pak ngah's hse.
hahah...
cik azman ask me to learn mandarin.
okay lah I will insyaallah.
Zeelah will be going back on the 17th to Al -Azhar Mesir.
gonna miss her lorry-loads!!
See when I will get the pics.
most prob on facebook.

anywho, I have to go and siap.
very penat and sakit.

Labels: apologies.

ClazZiQuai CT, 11:12:00 AM | link | (0) words unspoken

1.10.09

i guess when u're once an ass, u'll always be an ass.
no matter how much u try to change,
pple will always rmb u for the things u once did.
intentionally or unintentionally.

as for me, maybe I will always be rmbered as the one who
has left her frens for a guy.
I will be rmbered as a bitch who has no self value or morale.
Yang selalu menyusahkan orng.
I have done a lot of bad things.

ClazZiQuai CT, 12:37:00 AM | link | (0) words unspoken