<<My life's Monologue>>

27.9.10

If you are reading.

Oppa,
I want you to know that there was no one else in my life
that I've loved so much.
I remembered how much shits we had to go through each day.
I held on to you like a life jacket, I wore you proudly.
I've tried my best to be someone perfect for you.
But I guess, I am just not that good enough, cause you left.
I am nursing my heart, I have nowhere to go.
I just want to say thank you for all the times we had.
I love taking care of you.
I wish you all the best in life.
I cannot make a promise with fate.
Neither does fate make promises to me.

I am trying very hard to sincerely let you go.
I am trying to cope.
How much I wished this wouldn't end, but we cannot deny
god's will.
Whatever wrong doing I did to you,please forgive me.
I don't even know how to end this post,
written just for you.
Maybe because, I haven't found the closure yet.
Love you.

ClazZiQuai CT, 8:31:00 AM | link | (0) words unspoken

A Day at a Time.

I am not going to deny that I miss you.
I am not going to deny that I still love you lots.
I am taking a day at a time, thinking deeply,
crying bucket loads.
I am not going to deny that I am still hoping.
But I've told you, not to give me the hope.

I don't know what I am going to do today at work.
I don't know how sensitive I can be at work.
I am struggling to get my words out.
It's excruciating.
I cannot imagine my future now.
without you.
However I try, to keep myself busy,
sometimes I will drift off sub-conciously.

I am yearning for that closeness we had.
How am I to forget those memories?
Now I am feeling numb again.

For the past few nights, I have been harbouring dark thoughts.
Which is not a norm for me.
The walls I've torn down just for you,
are being brought up again.
Brick by heavy brick.
I know, I need to give myself time.
but how long?
The thought itself is killing me slowly.

ClazZiQuai CT, 8:09:00 AM | link | (0) words unspoken

26.9.10

pushing

I am stuck in a dream-like state now.
Personally, I don't even know how I am feeling now.
There is the numb aching feeling sometimes, then there is this full blast excruciation.

I cried my eyes out till 4am this morning, under the void deck,
with kakak.
I have to let go of yesterdays.
But its so difficult, cause I am one who will hold on to even the tiniest bit of memory.
Especially when it involves this being.

I reminisce the times we had.
Kakak says," Just think positively. Take it that you had spent at least 4 yrs together,
the best 4 years in your life.Now its time for both of you to move on."
Yes, I will admit, through the ups and downs,
IT WAS THE FUCKING BEST 4 - 5 YEARS OF MY LIFE.
I feel like crying again.
I want you. please.

ClazZiQuai CT, 9:57:00 PM | link | (0) words unspoken

25.9.10

Zombie

I am a clear proof of a walking human corpse.
I am aimlessly wandering in life, not knowing my outcome till someone
puts salt in my tongue and I return to my still state.

Here's my everyday routine.
Wake up.
Bathe.
Do house chores.
Get ready for work.
Head out for work.
Come back home.
Bathe.
Pray.
Wait for call?
Sleep.

Its like I am waiting for something inevitable to happen.
Something to break me out of the routine,
which is so mundane all of a sudden.
What I feel now,
only God knows.
How limp and lifeless.
My thoughts are anchored to only one being.
A being that meant everything in me life.
Who brought me everywhere he can,
taught me everything he can.

But, somehow, this being is confused.
His thoughts are now muddled.
He knew it hurt me most,
but I still forgave him.
How pissed I am,
he doesn't feel nor see it.

Lately, I don't see the point of my mobile.
to the point of restraint.
Flinging it far to the other end of the room.
Rendering it useless.

Get my mind off this whole dilemma.
Its tearing my whole faith apart.

ClazZiQuai CT, 9:39:00 PM | link | (0) words unspoken

17.9.10

Denial

I kept telling myself, I will be okay.
You kept me afloat with your voice everynight.
I look forward to that single phonecall.
I denied the fact that we were loosely tied, we will go separate soon.
I don't want that fact to sink in.
I kept fighting, but I know, its only just me.
The pounding of my shattered heart just hurts me even more.
My throat's closing up, denying every single breath I make.
It makes exhaling just so difficult.
I was never good with words.
So today, it just flowed.

I cannot face the world now.
I don't even know when.
I don't even want to live anymore, I want to give up.
What more do I need? What more can I do?
Without you, I'm so lost.
I tried to piece together everything that was shredded to bits in an instant,
but found that its beyond repair.
You chose that path that I want to follow.
But denied my entry and want to erase my existance.
Do you loathe me?

I cannot keep my head on straight.
I am drifting.

ClazZiQuai CT, 8:38:00 PM | link | (0) words unspoken

13.9.10

Broken.

All good things have to come to an end soon.
I still remembered as if it was just yesterday we knew each other.
How damn hard was it to keep my mind clear and straight.
Till now, I still cannot keep my head straight.

It was so evident that something was happening.
But I was so sure, so sure, that there is no repeat.
I told myself, trust is key.
I never thought otherwise.
But that same feeling keeps bugging me over and over.
pushing me to the edge of despair and insanity.

I keep asking myself why?
I pondered over sleepless night after sleepless night.
Thinking where was it I made such a huge mistake.
I will never forget that night.
I told myself, its coming.
I needed to bury myself in a very big hole, not wanting to appear to anyone ever.
I wanted to just disappear.
Funnily, I didn't go extreme though I thought I was going to.

As for now, I am sitting here typing, dumbfounded.
My heart is about to jump out of its place.
Its just going hyper.
Confused as both of us are,
I pray that the outcome will be best for both of us.
I am clenching and unclenching my my fist. Holding a lot of things in.
Let's simply put it. I'm Lost.

ClazZiQuai CT, 7:09:00 AM | link | (0) words unspoken

6.9.10

I am supposed to be getting ready for work.

But I will just jot down my thoughts quickly.
Still groggy from sleep.
I have to arrive at work by 8.30am today.

Ramadhan's leaving us in another 3-4 days time.
But I don't feel like celebrating the coming of Syawal.
I m just so unexcited.
Maybe because my Gramps not here anymore.
I just feel like the whole feeling is gone.

anyway. gtg.
Don't wanna be late for work now do we?

ClazZiQuai CT, 7:25:00 AM | link | (0) words unspoken