<<My life's Monologue>>

4.4.14

Being Alone

Having lived through many incidents and lessons, I have never felt so alone. Being here with myself in the office, in the vicinity of my workplace, surrounded by students.

I don't even know if the feeling sucks. I don't even know what I am feeling.

I don't have the will to push myself anymore.

I am doing all I can with my own will to tell myself I have to not think anymore negative thoughts.

I should just let everything go with the flow.

Maybe just free myself from whatever that is holding me down.

Needing that push. I keep feeling so emotional and so down with whatever is happening around me.

I don't recognize myself anymore also.

I shouldn't control anything anymore.

My workload is not heavy but physically it tires me.

I don't know if he fears losing me. Or if he fears my leaving.

Once before he left me.

I put myself before him to plead and get him back.

Somehow, I don't know if he patched back due to still loving me or just out of pity and loneliness.

Even as we speak now, I have a lot of thoughts running through my head.

I am doing all I can to block out.

Trying to be rational instead of emotional.

He's friendly, to everyone.

Still in contact with the one he likes and even his exes.

I am coming to terms with his nature,

but somehow, I feel something else which is so strong but I have no proof.

I want to cry, but I feel stupid.

Because there is nothing that is proven he did stupid things behind my back.

I don't know my uncertainty.

Its just driving me crazy.

ClazZiQuai CT, 7:01:00 PM | link | (0) words unspoken

2.6.13

Holy crap

Whole lot of things happened while I haven been updating this blog of mine.

Kal and me split up, thus ending 8 yrs of r/s.

Its been let's see... about six months.

We had our mistakes but lets just say that we can't look past each others mistakes.

I changed my contact number a good three months after.

Working at a studentcare still. Just different company and location with different set of kids.

Same set of work challenge and stuff.

Busy with work, but I met someone special.

After four months of green light and chasing, we were official.

Thing is... our age difference is quite wide.

And honestly, I hope that things will be smoother than before.

This time round, I wont allow myself to be lost in the heat of the r/s.

And Insyaallah, we will work things out.

Think positive, Siti, think positive.

ClazZiQuai CT, 4:02:00 PM | link | (0) words unspoken

29.8.11

Push.

it kills me just to be reminded of it.
like how I am reminded of it this very moment.
that one phone call was all it took.

Its eve of Raya.
Isn't it suppose to be a day of happiness and forgiveness?
Seems that I cannot forget about it.
I am not over it yet.
It hurts, very much.

After all this while I thought,
"Hey, I am okay."
but then...
I just faltered with everything I did today, even at work.
Shows how strong emotionally I am,ppfft.
I am trying to put a brave front,
nonetheless.

Just wanna say,
selamat hari raya to
atika,
fyeeqa,
aishah.

these 3 gals, i miss u all the most.
Maaf zahir batin.

ClazZiQuai CT, 11:58:00 PM | link | (0) words unspoken

31.7.11

Move.

I've not been updating, like so long. Duh.
You know what, forget all the nice intros and shit.
haha.

Okay let's see, I fell out, then , in love again.
Love. What an intriguing word.
A word that is so powerful in many different ways.
sigh~ story of my life.Heh.
I am keeping a raincheck on myself.
It's hard. not to be able to control emotions, esp when you are arguing you know.
I almost slaughtered people, my p5 kids got quite the worst end.
But I still love them to bits.

I still haven't found myself even after all this while.
Still in the process, I am praying hard that I will get through this fasting month smoothly.
No glitches, insyaallah.
My head's pounding with lots of thoughts. Hehe.
My sister is singing off-key, adding on to my headache.
Can I curl myself up into a ball like a little kitten, and never wake up?

I need to change, Hiccups is given a choice, to stay or go.
I am determined to be strong no matter what happens.
I have to be.
Sometimes patience kills but its worth it in the long run.

ClazZiQuai CT, 11:24:00 AM | link | (0) words unspoken

9.12.10

Its been a long time since I updated my blog.
I have been busy, I swear.

I have been here and there.
Somehow now, I lost the ilham to blog much.
really.
There is this someone new, that is bugging me and tugging at my heart.
He's hot and cold sometimes.
I am confused.

ClazZiQuai CT, 8:34:00 PM | link | (0) words unspoken