26.2.10
I realised that people have many different masks.
So have I.
Straight to the point.
I am a big fat Liar.
Well, that's what my family is thinking.
Sometimes, I just dun see the point of me being truthful.
It just hurts, especially when you do things sincerely.
and then when you ask a favor from someone else, you always get turned down.
My secondary school friends once said that I am too nice.
Maybe I am.
I am just writing down my thoughts.
Truth is, I am not at all that good.
I am purely bad.
Till my own father, wants to halau me out of the house.
you wanna know why??
coz I always come home late.
Why do I come home late? To destress with Oppa and sometimes my colleagues.
When I have nothing to do and both are busy, I head home.
Sometimes, I be a good girl and just head home, making excuse to Oppa.
He even knows I am tired.
There is once a saying;
Being bad is easy but being good is really difficult.
why?
Right now, being at home alone, makes me feel even more alone.
There is no point for me to keep any more secrets as the person I entrusted with my
secret told the rest of my family.
This person who has taken care of my late grandmother did that.
Now, I really think that when you are rich, people won't look down on you,
no matter how you dress, act or do.
Seriously.
Because I don't hear my relatives talking about my other cousin.
They keep praising her and all.
Nothing negative.
Even though I know all her bad points and things she did.
What a world we live in right?
The more I try to make things seem a little better,
the more they get worse.
My colleague open her house doors for me if I ever was pushed out.
But she told me, to talk about feelings,
she doesn't want.
Helpless yes?
I've left my friends thinking that Oppa will always be there for me.
But even now, he is not answering any of my calls.
To beg and cry now will be of no use.
I keep thinking whether was this the path I should have took.
I rarely talk to anyone now.
Even at home.
I have nothing left to hold on to.
The last ounce of fighting spirit in me is gone.
I hope my family is happy to see me in this state.
Everything that I do causes them to be suspicious of me.
Even my life partner that I chose is going to be a big problem,
what about the clothes wear?
To my parents,
I know its been hard for you raising me up.
especially when your first child is a girl.
The way I've been treated to the way my siblings are treated are very different.
I am your test ground.
And I can always see that the care and love you gave me is always on the smaller side.
I don't know how long I've been feeling this way, but
that is as far as I can see.
Don't try telling me that you love all your kids the same,
coz I never felt that way.
Sometimes I ask myself, am I really your child?
Or am I an orphan?
My heart aches for the love that I want,
I am still searching for it.
I don't ever think it can ever be found.
The way you do things makes me question myself.
Why treat me in such a manner?
When are you ever going to let me feel like an adult?
I want that freedom that is rightfully mine and all adults my age.
Treat me like an adult, not some 16 year old teen.
To Oppa,
I've always been there for you.
No matter through what.
I've tried to pull myself out of the realtionship cause I know
its unhealthy.
But I still progressed cause I love you too much.
But deep inside, my heart is screaming for release.
To release me from the pain and suffering.
Of you tormenting me that I am not worth.
I lift you up to the skies but,
you break me down into the dark abyss.
I've been feeling good about us,
but you see the problem is.
I cannot always give what you want.
I cannot fulfill all your wishes.
Only thing I can give you non-stop is support.
Venting your anger will not do you any good.
I have only a little part of my patience left.
I might let go of it soon.
Please.
So have I.
Straight to the point.
I am a big fat Liar.
Well, that's what my family is thinking.
Sometimes, I just dun see the point of me being truthful.
It just hurts, especially when you do things sincerely.
and then when you ask a favor from someone else, you always get turned down.
My secondary school friends once said that I am too nice.
Maybe I am.
I am just writing down my thoughts.
Truth is, I am not at all that good.
I am purely bad.
Till my own father, wants to halau me out of the house.
you wanna know why??
coz I always come home late.
Why do I come home late? To destress with Oppa and sometimes my colleagues.
When I have nothing to do and both are busy, I head home.
Sometimes, I be a good girl and just head home, making excuse to Oppa.
He even knows I am tired.
There is once a saying;
Being bad is easy but being good is really difficult.
why?
Right now, being at home alone, makes me feel even more alone.
There is no point for me to keep any more secrets as the person I entrusted with my
secret told the rest of my family.
This person who has taken care of my late grandmother did that.
Now, I really think that when you are rich, people won't look down on you,
no matter how you dress, act or do.
Seriously.
Because I don't hear my relatives talking about my other cousin.
They keep praising her and all.
Nothing negative.
Even though I know all her bad points and things she did.
What a world we live in right?
The more I try to make things seem a little better,
the more they get worse.
My colleague open her house doors for me if I ever was pushed out.
But she told me, to talk about feelings,
she doesn't want.
Helpless yes?
I've left my friends thinking that Oppa will always be there for me.
But even now, he is not answering any of my calls.
To beg and cry now will be of no use.
I keep thinking whether was this the path I should have took.
I rarely talk to anyone now.
Even at home.
I have nothing left to hold on to.
The last ounce of fighting spirit in me is gone.
I hope my family is happy to see me in this state.
Everything that I do causes them to be suspicious of me.
Even my life partner that I chose is going to be a big problem,
what about the clothes wear?
To my parents,
I know its been hard for you raising me up.
especially when your first child is a girl.
The way I've been treated to the way my siblings are treated are very different.
I am your test ground.
And I can always see that the care and love you gave me is always on the smaller side.
I don't know how long I've been feeling this way, but
that is as far as I can see.
Don't try telling me that you love all your kids the same,
coz I never felt that way.
Sometimes I ask myself, am I really your child?
Or am I an orphan?
My heart aches for the love that I want,
I am still searching for it.
I don't ever think it can ever be found.
The way you do things makes me question myself.
Why treat me in such a manner?
When are you ever going to let me feel like an adult?
I want that freedom that is rightfully mine and all adults my age.
Treat me like an adult, not some 16 year old teen.
To Oppa,
I've always been there for you.
No matter through what.
I've tried to pull myself out of the realtionship cause I know
its unhealthy.
But I still progressed cause I love you too much.
But deep inside, my heart is screaming for release.
To release me from the pain and suffering.
Of you tormenting me that I am not worth.
I lift you up to the skies but,
you break me down into the dark abyss.
I've been feeling good about us,
but you see the problem is.
I cannot always give what you want.
I cannot fulfill all your wishes.
Only thing I can give you non-stop is support.
Venting your anger will not do you any good.
I have only a little part of my patience left.
I might let go of it soon.
Please.
ClazZiQuai CT, 7:50:00 PM
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